The Price of Being a Star

John Robert receiving his Duke TIP award last spring.
He doesn't look too thrilled, does he?

Being a star isn't easy.  A lot of people are looking at you.

It is with hesitancy that I share this; but I think it may be helpful to any parent or grandparent who may read it.

Our eldest son gets a lot of unwanted attention: he is handsome, intelligent, and a talented athlete.  All of that is a good thing . . . right?

Yes and no.  On Monday of this week, John Robert was very unhappy (not a normal event).  After letting him know repeatedly that I love him and want to understand, he chose a time to share his feelings with me.  For that I am extremely grateful.

These are a few of his favorite things:
phone with earbuds, apple juice, and
chocolate chip waffles

John's swim coach repeatedly urges him to work harder if he wants to be a great swimmer.  John told me he enjoys swimming, but doesn't have dreams of being a great swimmer; yet he doesn't want to disappoint the coach he admires.  

I think this may be true; or it may be that he fears failure, and so doesn't risk it all.  Thankfully, I was so happy to hear his thoughts that it didn't occur to me to offer my opinion.

John also shared that for the past year he hasn't really been interested in anything in particular.  He is worried about this.  He doesn't know that it's normal for a teenager to feel confused by thoughts of career and adulthood; disoriented by expectations and the unknown.  I listened, shared a little bit of my high school experience, and ordered his favorite pizza for delivery.

I think John feels pressure to know what he wants to "be".  I have noticed people (including me!) thinking and talking about careers John might be interested in.  I didn't know it was creating pressure for him.  This explains why he wasn't thrilled about the Duke TIP national honor award-- to him, it's just more pressure to succeed.  It also explains why he wants to go to high school.  He wants someone else to tell him what to do.  He doesn't trust himself.

John Robert playing chess
with Papa Dale

I was incredibly grateful just to know what was going on in John's mind.  He holds so much inside.  After talking to me, he was willing to hang out with me and his brothers, eat pizza, and watch a movie with me.  It was wonderful to talk and hear him laugh.

The rest of the week went well.  He perked up and now seems happy.  He said his science test went well.  He turned in a good essay for the writing class I teach, and gave an adequate presentation.  The rest of the week's swim practice was fine, and he's looking forward to hanging out with his buddy today and going rock climbing.

John Robert at swim practice.

John Robert is the child I rarely worry about.  He appears to need me only for rides to a friend's house, making or buying enormous quantities of food, and buying bigger clothes.  But this week, I hope I was able to help by being a good listener.  

I am going to be more careful not to burden him with my well intentioned praise that he carries as heavy expectations to be met.

He is just a fourteen year old young man feeling his way toward adulthood.
   

John giving a presentation this week for writing class at the Montessori school.