He is so Good

Adam Crack and his awesome performance at the Renaissance
Festival.  How many childhood rules is he breaking?
Playing with fire, being loud, using a whip!

Last week, I had a meeting and took Spencer and Denver with me. They sat off to one side playing quietly with their Kindles, eating snacks, and whispering.  As we were leaving, one of the attorneys in the meeting commented loudly to me, "Your boys are so good!  I could never bring my kids to a meeting and expect them to be quiet."

This got me started thinking about whether good = quiet; and the way we value characteristics in children that are not valued at all in adults.  

Have you ever heard someone say of an adult, "Oh!  He's so quiet.  He can sit in one place for hours.  You hardly know he's there"?  Or how about, "He does exactly what you ask him to do without complaining."  (Okay, maybe we fantasize about that one a bit with regard to our spouses).

When it comes to infants, a good baby is one who doesn't cry and sleeps a lot.  A grown man who doesn't cry is "not in touch with his emotions" and if he sleeps too much, he's lazy.

Studies show that when parents are asked what characteristics they want for their children as adults, we get a list that includes these characteristics in nearly every parent's Top Ten: 
Curious, Creative, Independent, Honest, Problem Solver.


Nurturing those characteristics in our children is not easy, is it?  It requires allowing children to make their own decisions, explore areas of interest we don't value, and allowing our children to make mistakes.  It requires tolerating occasional disruptive behavior (disruptive to us, not to them).  Not easy when we're caught in the good=quiet mindset.  

I confess that I didn't mind when the attorney praised my children's behavior (even though the praise was not very thoughtful).  But I'm trying to let go of it, and value the loud, opinionated, mess making behavior even more.