Uneasy Choices

It is easy to tell yourself that you are a good parent when your children are doing what you want them to do.  I can even imagine that I trust my children to make their own choices.  I talk a big game about this-- respecting my children's interests, not pressing upon them my own expectations for success.

Lies.  All lies.

This summer, John Robert has an enormous amount of summer work to do for four of his upcoming 9th grade classes.  It isn't simply reading a novel and writing about it (although that is one assignment).  He has many pages of algebra, several chapters of science, and an enormous assignment for a class titled Human Geography.  Since we received his assignments, I have been agonizing about how to get him to DO the work.  I even went so far-- with his permission-- as to print out a calendar and suggest a work schedule.  

I was dismayed to realize that John Robert's way of coping with large assignments is to ignore them.

Days and weeks passed.  

I find I am no longer the mother who trusts her son to make his own choices.  I agonize over my son's seeming lack of work ethic and my role as a parent.  My husband and I discuss in hushed tones how to coerce John Robert into doing his work.  We discuss taking away his laptop and his phone.  I fantasize about screaming.

Hypocrisy surrounds me like the heat of this Georgia summer, making it hard to take a deep breath.  All my talk about John Robert living his own life and making his own decisions-- where are those words now?  Does a responsible parent push or does a respectful parent allow her child to fail in hope that he will make the "right" choice on his own?  If my son makes poor choices, does that mean I'm a poor parent? 

After much agonizing, I sat down with John Robert on his bed last night.  We talked about the surprising amount of work required of him this summer.  I listened to his confused feelings pour forth.  He knows doing the work and earning good grades is important, but the assignments don't feel important.  They feel like a burden.  I understand.

As my child talks, I realize my beliefs: I make it clear that his life belongs to him, and I will not damage our trusting and respectful relationship by attempting to force his choices.  At the same time, his father and I will not continue to pay out of county tuition if he fails to give his assignments a full effort.  My words surprise and please me.

I suggest that perhaps he feels overwhelmed; and if so, I would like to support him in any way that makes sense to him.  I suggest that he may feel embarrassed to walk into his first day at a new school having failed to complete several assignments.  John Robert agrees.  He suggests that I hold his phone and keep him away from his laptop during "work time" so that he doesn't get distracted.  He immediately picks up an assignment and I walked away holding his phone. 

To my amazement, I arrived home from work today to find John Robert wanting to discuss Of Mice and Men, which he had (finally) read.  He was deeply moved by the characters and surprised by the distressing ending.  After eating lunch together, he settled down to do his response journal.  We talked throughout the afternoon-- about the characters in the novella, about the author John Steinbeck, his language choices, the setting and time period.  My son is delightful company.

After he leaves for his second swim practice of the day, I sneak a peek at his writing.  It is beautiful, insightful, riddled with spelling errors; and yet, a pleasure to read.