The Burning Bowl Ceremony

The Burning Bowl Ceremony was held at Unity Church yesterday.  I missed it.  One of my sons wasn't feeling well.  I also thought the ceremony was on New Year's Eve and so I missed the whole thing.  That turned out to be okay.  



The Burning Bowl

 My sons and I held our own Burning Bowl Ceremony on this New Year's Eve.  I polished a 25 year old handmade blue bowl that just happened to have been created in Providence.  I placed a favorite candle in the center and lit it.  I gathered thin strips of paper and a pen. 

We began.  I wrote down two things I most needed to release from my life-- Anger and Conditional Love.  The boys had no questions about the first one; but they wanted to know what I meant by conditional love.  I said that no matter what is happening, no matter what we are doing or feeling, I want them to know and feel that my love for them is unconditional.  They should never have to worry that my love depends upon certain behavior.

Denver (my five year old) is the child who most challenges my patience.  Not surprisingly, he quickly picked up Conditional Love.  "I'll put this one in," he announced.  Lighting it ablaze, he placed it in the bowl and we watched the words flame, blacken, and curl into bits of ash.  It was very satisfying.  I said a prayer and released Anger into the flames.  I no longer need it to tear at the fabric of our family's love.

Much to my surprise, it was Spencer who most enjoyed the ceremony.  He began with Anger and Sadness, but didn't stop there.  He set fire to Revenge and Jealousy, too.  I didn't ask any questions, but simply assisted him in spelling the words.  We said a prayer that our intentions for releasing these thoughts and feelings be assisted by God.  We laughed when his Anger didn't want to burn.  Again and again we had to dip it in the flames to dissolve it into ash.

Now that we've released a few things that no longer serve us, tomorrow we'll be setting our intentions to bring in more of what we want in our lives.  We'll write these words on smooth stones and keep them near us in the coming year.

"May All Beings Be Well.

May All Beings Be Happy.

May All Beings Know Peace."  You, too.

The Wish Fulfilling Tree for 2013

A Yoga Story for You

There once was a wanderer who came to a forest.  He sat under a tree and felt himself becoming very calm.  A gentle breeze was blowing, and as he looked around, the man saw that the forest was very beautiful. 



The Wish Fulfilling Tree



If only I had a companion, the man thought, I would be completely happy.  The tree he was sitting under happened to be a Wish Fulfilling Tree.  A Wish Fulfilling Tree is divine, and it is said that if anyone sitting under it makes a wish, that wish is instantly fulfilled.  So at that very moment a beautiful woman appeared.  The man was enraptured.



She sat next to him, and for a while he was content.  But then he thought what a pity it was that they did not have a house to live in.  Immediately, the house he wished for appeared.  Delighted, he went into the house with his sweetheart.

As they were admiring their new home, the man thought-- "I wish we had servants and wonderful food, then I would be completely satisfied."  Immediately, two servants appeared bearing trays laden with delicious gourmet food and drink. 



The man thought: What is going on?  I wished for a companion and she appeared.  I wished for a house and it appeared.  I wish for servants and food, and they appeared!  What is happening?  This must be the work of a demon!

Immediately, the demon appeared in front of him with his mouth wide open.  "Oh no!  He'll eat me!," cried the man.  Of course, the demon devoured him and that was the end.

Like many of us, this poor fellow trapped himself in his thoughts.  By thinking of good things, he brought them to fruition.  By thinking of demons, however, he brought his own death.  Imagine if he had thought, "This must be the work of angels!" or "Thank God, I am so blessed!" What if he had wished to become an enlightened person or a saint! 

According to yogic teachings, we are right now seated in the shade of the Wish Fulfilling Tree, which is nothing less than God's Divine Presence.  Whatever we truly believe and desire, God allows us to see.

When you look at the world, what do you see?







Looking out Different Windows

Pictures my husband sends to me . . .



Today my husband is in the Hilton Hotel in Palm Springs.  I am not.  He sends me pictures of the things he sees, and I open them when I read my email, then I close them and get on with my day.  I do not send him pictures of the squirrel I saw outside my window as I was drinking coffee and reading John Holt this morning.

I can't send him pictures of the warm, calm peacefulness in my heart.  So I let him think that he has the better view.  Why not?  It makes him happy.  But I know better.

This morning I am trying to decide whether to clean the house or just enjoy the day with my children.  I think I shall do both-- because a clean house makes me happy-- and then I can spend time being with the boys in a comfortable, inviting environment.  If we get really adventurous, we may drive to the library across the county which is open on Sundays. 

Although it goes against what society tells us, being home with my family and taking care of their needs (including laundry and food and a clean floor) bring me much more joy than a fancy vacation.  I didn't always realize this.  There was a time when resentment would have crept in and I would have felt entitled to some sort of consolation prize for taking care of the homefront while John was away and sending me pictures of beautiful views.  Not anymore.

When I experienced a cancer diagnosis a few years ago, some beautiful things happened.  The best thing was a reorganization of priorities.  When I imagined myself absent from my family's life, I realized that I didn't want anyone else to be picking up the dirty socks.  I didn't want anyone else to be vacuuming the floor or walking the dog or staying up all night with a sick child.  This was my work and as ridiculous as it sounds, I love my work.

So whatever you are doing today and wherever you are, I can wish you nothing better than this: I hope you derive as much satisfaction from your day as I will from mine.

A Different Kind of Day

Spencer and friend enjoy creating a marble run with new wooden blocks.  Thanks, Nana!

Today was a different kind of day.  Spencer and his friend stayed up late last night drawing pictures and building wooden marble runs.  As a result, they were a little less energetic than usual today.  This worked out fine since we did a lot of car riding.  We packed up the big car and picked up two more friends for a trip to Fernbank.  It was a pleasant afternoon for the seven of us as we learned about Genghis Khan, played with science experiments, and looked at exhibits.

A few years ago, I would have spent quite a bit of time teaching the boys about Genghis Khan prior to the exhibit.  Feeling it was my duty to educate them, I would have directed their attention to certain aspects of the exhibit and maybe even asked them questions on the ride home.  There was a time when the boys would have put up with this.  Those times are over.  I think that's for the best. 

Perhaps it's inevitable that when we become parents we want to give our children the things we never had.  We may do this even if our children don't want those things!  Although I had a wonderful childhood with loving, attentive parents, I did not visit museums, study history, or travel much.  I often still feel I am playing "catch up" in trying to learn about geography, history, art, and literature. . . Thus, my desire to open the boys' world to all the fascinating stories from history.

Today was different because I didn't indulge in teaching.  I fought back my urge to shout, "Hey, Come back here and look at this!"  Today the boys ambled through the exhibits without my lurking over their shoulders or trying to point out anything "important."  It helped that I had another mom to spend time with who allowed her son the same freedom.  The five boys walked, talked, and laughed together.  We all enjoyed looking at the swords, the catapults, the ballista, the yurt, the statue of Genghis Khan, the clothing styles of the mongol tribes.  The boys probably learned something; though it's hard to know what. 

I've decided the most important thing I can teach my children is that museums are fun.  Museums are interesting, and unlike in school, you can look at whatever you like for as long (or as little) as you like and then go home.  Such an attitude makes it nice for everyone-- including me!

We had a nice lunch and enjoyed the gift shop.  The boys enjoyed one another's company.  I had a good time.  We enjoyed our friends and then we went home.  Tonight we'll bake cookies and watch a movie.  It's been a good day.

Happily Bonding Brothers or Zombie Children?

Day Four of the Wii-- they began playing immediately upon waking.

No Breakfast?  No problem.  Just eight more levels!

Wouldn't you know it?  Just as I'm beginning to get comfortable giving my children more choices and allowing them to make decisions, they up the ante by getting a Wii for Christmas and playing their new Skylanders game nearly non-stop for the last three and a half days!  (Not entirely true, but close enough!).  This morning I went to work-- they were already on the Wii-- and I came home-- they were still on the Wii.  I called them into the dining room for lunch and they expressed surprise at not being offered breakfast! 

Although my impulse is to turn the thing off and tell them to go outside and play in their treehouse or on their zipline or ride a bicycle or jump on a pogo stick or at least read a book, the truth is they are having fun together.  They are problem solving together, reading the storyboard on the screen, looking up tips in their Skylander guidebook, laughing, cheering, taking turns, talking strategy, and having a ball.  Does it matter that it takes place in front of a television screen?  I'm not sure anymore.  Would I be happier if they were playing charades with their Latin vocabulary words or trying to stump each other with math problems?  You betcha!  

I know I am biased against video games.  I must admit, however, that their obsession with the Skylanders game reminds me a little of a day when I was maybe eight years old.  I opened the book Ribsy.  It is a sweet story about a dog who jumps out of his owners' car and gets lost and has adventures.  I lay on my bed one morning and read that book until my eyes ached and until the light through my windows went dark on a summer evening.  It was one of the best reading experiences of my life.  I read the whole book in one sitting.  My parents allowed me to do it.  They didn't make me stop and go outside.  They didn't make me break for lunch or dinner.  The book was purely entertainment, but I loved it, and it is still a favorite childhood memory. 

Could something similar be happening today with my sons?

Somewhere along the parenting path, I concluded that children who play video games become mindless zombies incapable of analyzing literature or finding solutions to complicated math problems.  I think I also threw in some assumptions about their becoming drug users and drop outs, too.  I don't know exactly where that conclusion came from, but it is a difficult image to shake-- though I know it is an untrue and ridiculous stereotype. 

If the boys were outside chasing each other around the yard, I wouldn't have any problem with it, and I wouldn't worry about whether what they were playing was "educational."  Likewise, if the boys were each curled up with a book all day, I wouldn't worry too much about whether they were reading great literature.  It only makes sense, then, that three happy boys who are playing a strategy game together should be allowed to continue as long as they are enjoying it or until there is some other work that must be done.  After all, it is Christmas break. 

So if you need my sons, they are standing in the living room, talking excitedly, waving their Wii remotes, and having a great time . . . while I putter around the house trying to overcome my prejudices by keeping myself busy and smiling at the sound of their ringing laughter.

Early Morning Musings

John and I enjoy a marvelous meal at Chez Pierre's in the Bahamas.

The house is cold, and I am bundled under a Christmas blanket far from the Bahamas, wearing my sweatshirt, yoga pants, and wool socks.  The boys sleep soundly near the fireplace and Christmas tree; they are spread all over the living room floor like holiday wrapping paper.  It is easy to be peaceful in this moment.  My husband is at the gym.  Our german shepard is curled near my feet.  Work is two hours away, and I'm on my first cup of coffee. 

Unlike my mother, I am not sorry to see Christmas pass.  It is a joy to be sure, but I love even more the peaceful sense of abundance it leaves in its wake, as well as having permission to get things cleaned up, packed up, and get back to our wonderful regular routine.   

My children are growing up before my eyes.  John and I will soon have been married for 16 years.  However, we've known each other for nearly 28 years!  By the time we reach our 20th wedding anniversary, our children will be 16, 13, and ten.  The years fly by so quickly-- I feel the need to make as few mistakes as possible, to be as loving and kind as possible.  Soon it will be too late to parent differently; too late to live differently.  I need to be the best mother I can be; the best person I can be now. 

A wise parent and philosopher once wrote that the secret of parenting is "when your children have brought you to the very end of your rope; you must somehow find more rope." 

If I want to parent wisely (and not just parent, but LIVE wisely), I can't use my frustration as an excuse to use unkind words or do unkind acts.  Instead, I must take a deep breath, close my eyes, and find the most peaceful choice in the moment.  Hint: The most peaceful choice is not the one sitting on top!  This extends to my work as a judge and teacher, my interactions with all other people, perhaps even to the way I treat myself. 

It is a beautiful, cold Friday morning.  Plans for the day stretch out in front of me.  God knows the interactions with other people that are aligned there as well.  May I approach each moment with kindness, patience, and joy.  And I wish the same for you.   

Have an Ice Day

"I can do it!  I can skate!"

Mr. Determination picks up speed.

No Balance?  No problem! 
Mr. Confidence spins, slides, falls, and glides. 
Everything is an adventure for this guy.

Today we ventured away from the Wii.  First stop, haircuts.  Second stop (because the first one took WAY too long) McDonald's.  Final Destination: Have an Ice Day, the little outdoor ice skating rink.  It was crowded with a variety of people, most of whom were brand new to ice skating.  It was a lot like slow motion bumper cars on ice. 

For two hours, the boys circled the skating rink-- very slowly and wobbily at first-- then faster, smoother, and with harder falls!  The look of concentration on the faces of Spencer and John Robert hid the fact they were having a blast!  Denver had fun the whole time-- sliding and circling-- even falling without losing his look of triumph.  "Look at me!  Watch me!," he called out every time he passed by, looking ever more like a snowman due to his tumbles on the ice.  Despite growing blisters, they kept skating; breaking only for hot chocolate and Hershey's bars.  I sat on the sidelines, having gotten my fill of ice skating the last time we came.  It was a pleasure to sit with my book and watch the boys circle.  I was the holder of the hot chocolate cup.  It was a good time for all.

   

Spencer Surprises Me



Spencer lines paper airplanes for take off!

Spencer is growing and changing-- and I'd like to take the credit, but I can't!  Often shy and tempermental, he is beginning to shed that skin and become someone else.  Last night, we walked over to his Mimi's house to visit with his aunt, uncle, and his uncle's parents.  It is not something he enjoys too much.  He doesn't know them well and they don't play with children.  Instead, they tend to ask lots of questions in an effort to make conversation.  Until last night, he would literally look away when they were talking to him, his lower lip would stick out, and he would not respond in a voice anyone (other than I) could hear.

Yesterday was different.  When receiving presents, he was enthusiastic and polite.  He looked at people and thanked them.  He spoke in full sentences the entire evening.  It wasn't the gifts that lowered his guard.  I could tell it was still an effort for him to look at people and talk with them, but he is beginning to master those skills.  The adults around him were delighted with his conversation, his smiles, not to mention his dimple!

What has happened?  Was it the time with Papa Dale-- when he was the only child at a hunting camp with adults?  Was it homeschooling?  Was it just getting older?  The answer will most likely remain a mystery, but I am so happy for his growth. 

One thing that does not receive the credit are his supplements.  For over a year, Spencer has been taking supplements to help his mood.  They worked incredibly well for the first nine months.  I know this because occasionally we ran out of them and within two days his mood would deteriorate.  However, he is no longer taking them.  He told me over a week ago that he was very happy and no longer needed to take them.  Because I've been coaching myself to let children practice making decisions, I decided to let him try it.  I suggested that he listen to his feelings, and let me know if he began to feel sad without knowing why.  He has had no problems so far!  How wonderful!

The Day of the Skylanders and Mama with nothing to do!

Spencer enjoys new building toys from Mimi and Paw Paw.

Denver begins building a castle.

John Robert HUGGED me hard.  "I can't even show you how happy I am," he beamed.  Yesterday morning the boys received a Wii system and Skylanders game.  Although the pictures above are evidence that they didn't spend the entire day playing-- okay, it was about seven hours!-- my three sons stood side by side in front of the system for almost the entire day, playing happily together. 

Just before dark, I invited them to take a break and go for a walk with me.  To my surprise, they all said yes.  So we strolled down the street, sometimes running, sometimes walking; everyone happy.  Spencer and Denver kept up an animated explanation of characters and events in the game.  At one point, John Robert looked at the darkening sky and said, "This Christmas and last Christmas were my very favorites."  I remembered that last Christmas he received a Nintendo DS from his Nana and Papa Dale.  "Yes," he said.  "I played all day, and when I looked up, it was getting dark.  Just like tonight."  He smiled.  I smiled.  He was so happy!

Just a few months ago, I would have been very much against allowing my children to "waste" their time on video games.  Their fascination and near obsession about something I don't care about or understand is a little unnerving.  And yet, they are having fun.  They are playing together.  Their brains do not appear to be turning to dust-- in fact, they are analyzing their characters' strengths, using strategy to win the games, memorizing a ton of facts and numbers that I would shudder to have to memorize!  Yes, their brains are definitely working!  

As our homeschooling journey continues, it is my goal to switch from the strict mother who tries to keep everyone on the path I imagine as ideal, and instead, say "Yes" whenever I can.  This comes from talking to many homeschooling parents and reading the results of clear research that shows that the only way people learn to make good decisions is by practicing making decisions.  That makes sense to me, and I want my children to make good decisions.  I certainly won't always be around to "assist" (some say "boss") them. 

This doesn't mean playing Skylanders instead of doing academics, but it may mean that when academics and chores are done, the boys can make their own decisions about how to use their time.  To my shock, I have recently found that saying Yes to the boys' requests-- whether it is a request for certain kinds of food, playing on the computer, or going somewhere-- does not result in terrible behavior!  In fact, I notice the boys making many choices that I approve of. 

Yesterday, when the boys found their stockings stuffed with treats, they asked if they could have some.  I decided to say Yes.  I never would have done this last year.  I would have said they should at least wait until after breakfast.  But this day, the boys were delighted!  They each opened one item of candy, and ate less than half before storing it away in their "secret" candy stash.  I was shocked!  I had always thought I had to constantly manage their choices.  Allowing them to make choices is so much more respectful to them and so much more peaceful and joyful for our family. 

A wise mother once said to me, "In every moment of conflict, think of two choices you could make-- spank or not, yell or not, smile or not, say yes or not-- and make the more peaceful choice."  

From the noises in the living room, it sounds like another game of Skylanders is underway.  I think I'll go ask if anyone is hungry . . . or not.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!  This morning was a joy as our six-year-old scrambled down the stairs shouting, "He CAME!"  First to look under the tree at the pile of boxes and bows, then to the stockings for early morning treats; finally, he noticed the Santa plate: "He ate the cookie!"  In addition, Santa wrote Denver a short note on the Christmas card Denver had lovingly prepared for him: "Ho!  Ho!  Ho!  Merry Christmas, Denver!"  Life is pretty much perfect on this day.  

It is a wonderful time to be a momma when children are so easily overjoyed.  All three boys are thrilled with their gifts.  Our house is full of love, food,-- and plastic.  The boys have been playing together on the Wii all day; stopping only for food.  The husband is napping all snug in his bed after nine days of work.  I am playing and reading and having a day heart full of gratitude.